A Journal Dedicated to 33 Years

A month or two ago, I was anticipating a wonderful celebration for my name day. I mentioned to my wife that I am planning to take us to my favorite restaurant and have a fancy dinner. With all the confidence that I could muster, these words came out of my mouth, “Ahhh, Let’s go to L’Atelier de Joel Robuchon and have a dinner for four (insert my wonderful in-laws here), I’m going to get the wine pairing for us as well!”

As the days passed leading to my big day, the more I found myself running into a big mess. Taxes were coming up in the middle of April as we owed a lot (the more you work, the more you get taxed eh?), the remaining balance of our upcoming cruise trip was charged to my credit card as well, and of course, rent. With all those big things lined up for payment, I had to be creative in finding a way to pay the bills. Rather than wasting my time finding clients for private dinners, I resorted in day trading (again) to fund the credit card payment that was due. I lost after a couple of days, big time.

I went through a series of emotional roller coaster episodes that caused me to be depressed and anxious about the future for a little while. It consumed me so much that I couldn’t get a hold of myself for more than a week and had to take long walks to reflect on my poor life decisions. I couldn’t sleep properly and started blaming my past decisions again telling myself that I can’t seem to pick the good choices whenever they present themselves to me. I even included my wife in the situation and started to point my finger at her in all ways possible. What a pity, a man who couldn’t accept his demise at the age of 33. I feel tormented to even think that my wife has anything to do with it. It was all me. But when you’re in a tight spot, you don’t know who you become and what you tell people.

I lost money in my day trading and suffered a tremendous loss because of greed.

I was already up a lot for the week, I shouldn’t have looked at the markets again…

I hit my quota already but allowed my greed got the better of me and lost a significant amount. I couldn’t believe it, what was I thinking? I wanted to jump out of the balcony so bad and just end my life. I’ve lost more than what I did in the past and those moments didn’t sting me. But for this particular instance, I was running out of fuel and was so desperate to make ends meet. For the past three weeks I couldn’t seem to handle the situation. Luckily, I had to go to work at 2:00pm and it helped my mind to be distracted. I was able to mask or hide the fact that there was so much going on my head. I didn’t bring my problem to work and still functioned well as a chef.

When I woke up today, on my birthday, I felt flat— not too happy, not too sad. I didn’t really want to do anything, although I had a couple of options on how to spend my day. I wanted to drive somewhere far and be close to the water, enjoy a nice lunch or just stay at home and avoid spending at all after losing a huge amount of money.

I went for a boba tea at a nearby shopping mall and walked for a little bit. I wanted to reflect, realizing that no matter how bad things can be, time and a positive mindset can always fix most things. I was telling myself that I still had time to recoup my losses and make it back—I still had to pay a huge upcoming credit card bill no matter what.

As the days passed, rather than giving up because of a big mistake, I persisted. I added more money to my account and told myself that I can’t ruin this anymore. I printed out a goal sheet that I posted on the wall of our bedroom, next to the door so I will always see it and read it before I start the day. So from that day on, I routinely made our bed on a daily basis, prioritized mental health by going to the gym religiously and just took the punches that I get along the way. I saw a miracle happen.

I’m finishing this article now, June 10th.

Fast forward today, I want to tell my readers that I was able to produce the money that I needed to pay my dues and way more, through my day trading. I was able to solve my problems and trusted myself again. It feels good to be self-sufficient. I was able to transfer back all the money that I pulled out back to my account. I was able to buy my dad and uncle a pair of nice running shoes for each of them. I gave my wife a nice “lunch allowance” that made me feel like I’m in control of my life again. I take pride in having the “luxury” of eating out and being able to buy whatever I want at the grocery.

You see, being a very simple person, my wants and needs are tightly intertwined— that is, I want to travel to get inspired. I want to feed (other people) and be well fed. I want the company of the people whom I dearly love around me, that’s all. Material things do not entice me. I do promise my wife though that I will buy here the stuff that she aspires to get when the right time comes. The only thing that I didn’t fulfill was the fancy dinner. I can’t do that anymore because it’s past my birthday already. Maybe next year again?

I feel happy now that my trip has been paid in full. I am excited to embark on that vacation and savor the wonderful time that we will be celebrating there. More importantly, I want to thank myself for knowing that ever since I left the house at 21, back in 2012, that I’ve always been independent. I’ve solved all my problems without the help of anybody, having a supportive wife was enough. I guess life will still continue to unfold. I do have a feeling that 2024 will be amazing.