You Must Have Older and Wiser Friends

“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

This article is dedicated to my dear friends Randall and Andreas, who during the times of need, were some of the friends that helped me succeed and press on. The counsel and gestures that these men of culture have shared to me are immeasurable, to each their own way.

High school, as they say, carry the best moments in one’s existence. It is the phase wherein someone learns both academically and socially important lessons that will impact him/her in the long run. I would say that the latter bears more significance as one progresses in life. In high school, we all go through the same struggles: puberty, lots of first this-and-that, falling in and out of love, learning an extra-curricular and worrying about where life is going to take you after graduating senior year. As a matter of fact, I had my best days in high school rather than in college. The good memories are still vivid, the bad, I still laugh about. Through it all, we have friends to share with it, we learn from each other, thus, making the struggles seem bearable.

Surrounding yourself with the right friends of the same age-specially childhood friends, play an important role in pre-determining how you will succeed when you get older. Keeping these decades-old relationships enable you to build beneficial connections that can come in handy when the opportunity presents itself. For example, I have a childhood friend who is sharing his success to some of our batchmates in need of a side hustle or a job. He hires them to work for him and in return, they all grow. On top of that, your childhood friends remind you of where you come from and which echelon of society you belong to, to keep you grounded.

Although, having friends of the same age come with a limitation, that is, everyone is going through the same stage in their lives. The only difference is that some are a little bit ahead than the rest. Some have already found the secret to making wealth while the rest still figure out what they want in life. But in the grand scheme of things, there’s not much time difference for them to share indispensable wisdom to their friends of the same age. Nobody can share with you the has-been-stories or bestow the wisdom that can only come from people who have been there and done that.Wisdom, that has been stripped off of all immature opinions or judgements. Wisdom, that has been taught by experience itself and has weathered every storm. This is where having older and mature friends come into our benefit.

FRIENDS COME AND GO

If you have come across this saying, then you are living a normal life. We are all told, time and time again, that in the process of life, you will gain and lose friends along the way. I did not understand this concept, especially while having a fickle mind when I was younger. They were right, my best friend is still my best friend, but for the rest of my friends, despite being just a text or an instant message away, most of them I no longer talk to. Why, you may wonder? People age and focus on different priorities in life. Some are caught up in raising a family at an early stage and some focus on their career. Since we are all of the same age, nobody knows any better, we struggle with how to advice somebody who’s going through the same things that we are going through. Some get it easy, and some don’t. It’s like a football team without a coach, the natural tendency is that each athlete will play for their own benefit to make themselves recognized. Some are meant to be leaders, some are good as support and some are meant for the side lines. Now the coach, is that older friend who is much wiser and composed, the one who’s already been through all the struggles and has triumphed. He is the one who brings everybody together as a unit, reminding them that each has their own place. No one is left behind and everything is in order.

By older friends, I mean, having people who are more than ten years your senior or more. Most of my older friends are almost twice my age. They are already stable and comfortable where they are in life.

So, why do we need older and wiser friends?

We turn to older friends for counsel as their words are more precious than gold.

We make friends out of older people to remind us that we are still young and still have a lot ahead of us.

We listen to their stories to inspire us.

We mimic and learn how to give back to the community the same way that they do once our turn is up.

Take note of each point and how they are arranged in order. I organized these statements according to how the cycle runs. In the beginning, we will seek advice from older friends during the times that we are lost. Once we receive their advice, we realize that life doesn’t end where we are and there’s still a marathon to finish. While we run the marathon, we keep ourselves inspired by constantly listening to their stories and turn them to motivations. And then, after we cross the finish line, it is our duty to help other upcoming young adults to keep on them track and share the ways on how we were able to finish the race.

The Counsel of The Wise

In 2018, I struggled mentally as a result of being exposed to a lot of stress. I was not in the best shape mentally to direct where my life and my wife’s should be heading. Even before that year, I have always sought advice from my older friends, asking them questions like:

How did you become successful?

How did you make your quality of life better?

What are the things that you learned and went through to reach your goals?

Which things matter and which don’t?

These internal conflicts consumed me as I see my wife puzzled for the first time in our marriage. She told me that I haven’t been myself lately and that she felt like my head was always somewhere else. She was right. I was aiming for the impossible WITHOUT putting in the work. I wanted millions, I was pursuing money and purpose in life. It was tough to see that your goals of being successful at the age of 25 or 26 did not come into fruition. I thought that life was going to be easy at that it would allow me to be what I’ve always wanted- an effective leader and businessman. I wanted to break free from being an employee and do something of my own. Life unfolded and it was tough to accept. But then, I received an email from a friend that struck me to the heart. Like I said, when an older and much wiser friend gives advice, their words are stripped off of any immature nuances and opinions.

The clarity and the rawness of the message were like beams of light coming down from the heaven while the sky clears out. I was dumbfounded reading how simple it was. Maybe this is one of the reasons why I persisted in my career. I still find joy in cooking for other people who are dear to me.

The way I looked at it in that moment was like this: I was doing the right thing but was searching for something else that would make myself feel even worse. It’s just a matter of putting the right amount of time and effort in order for one to shine through. I was rushing things, (I) was being impatient and wanted instant gratification. But then again, from what I learned in life is that when you get something easy, you lose it the same way. Slow and steady always win the game. These words were indispensible.

What I notice about older friends giving advice is that they listen first and not have any prejudice. Once they have a clear idea of what you are going through, then they start to pattern your life with their past experiences and share the things that THEY MESSED UP. They will tell you the mistakes that they’ve been through in the hopes that you would avoid them. And then, they share the things that they did to make things right.

On the other hand, young people advice other young people in a different way. Of course, this doesn’t happen all the time but what I noticed among the people that I talk to is that they will not tell you what they messed up but point out or brag about what they have achieved. For example, I know of a long time friend who at a young age bought a very expensive car while working a job with a pay grade that’s below the car’s value. He mentioned that it was all hard work from his job and his side hustle. Down the road, I found out that he sells drugs and used the drug money to purchase the car.

They hide the embarrassing parts and just share all the glitz and glamour. This will make you feel worse and inferior because you will start asking, “Why didn’t I do it the same way as Joe did?” or “What’s wrong with me not thinking or acting like Sarah?” In addition to this, whenever we commit a mistake in our lives, we start concluding that there’s no more hope for us or that it’s too late to fix things. This is where point number two, comes into play.

We Have Time on Our Side

Everytime you seek counsel from older people, they will always tell you of how lucky you are to be stumbling upon your problem or situation at a very young age. This means that you have discovered a phase or part in your life that some people only figure out later on, sometimes even when it’s too late. They (older friends) are implying that there is plenty of time to make things right. When we stumble into a situation that seems beyond our capacity of control, we feel overwhelmed that we couldn’t find ways to solve or manage it. We blame ourselves for not responding appropriately or not being ready for it. This is a normal reaction because we experienced failure. To our eyes, we feel defeated. But only through the perspective of the wise and older do we actually realize that “Hey, I should be thankful for stumbling upon this early because my older friend told me that now, the next time this happens, I would know what to do. I’m glad it didn’t happen to me much later down the road when I’m in my 50’s or 60’s.”

Folks, whenever we feel like there’s no tomorrow, always remind yourself that there will be that there are people in the world who have made worse mistakes than you, but then if you look at them, they turned out to be fine. Let the words of the wise and old guide you through and constantly remind you that time is on your side. There’s nothing that time cannot fix for as long as you manifest that you will do the right things.

My advice to the young adults who are half my senior, is to be bold in your decisions in life while you’re still green. As long as you are not causing harm to anybody or doing anything immoral, then have confidence in everything, don’t worry about failure, for you will experience and learn from them. Keep on trying what you think will make yourself progress. The good thing about failing is that the “drop” is not too far down since you’re just starting, it’s so easy to stand back up. The more you age, the more you become less of a risk taker. So while you still have that burning desire inside, you have to be in motion.

Sometimes, I miss being in my early twenties. I was bold and didn’t care about what will happen to me when I ran away from home and never looked back. My burning desire was to prove my dad that I can survive hardships. I did and I succeeded. But then, I also realized that in the process of getting stronger, my dad is more important to me than any of my achievements. So I came back and reconciled with my father. It was one of the most surreal feelings that I’ve ever felt. Now, my dad always counsels me to continue striving in what I do even if he keeps telling me that “You wanted that life, a life of a chef. I was offering you a life of a king, so suck it up. There’s no going back.” My dad when he jokes. Thanks pops.

You will always hear people say “If I knew what I know right now during my early years, then…” This is a common advice that older people share to young adults. But then again, only through time will life or wisdom unfold. We can’t learn them all at once or rush things. The only thing we can do is to stay inspired and persevere, which leads me to my next point.

Listen and Persevere

Inspiration is the fuel for Persevering. What is the purpose of persevering if there is no reason behind the impetus? For example, what is the reason for one to push through the hardships to make millions if not to spend them for one’s own satisfaction? It makes no sense to have wealth but not have the capacity to even spend a dime on anything.

Throughout the course of your life, there will be plenty of instances where you will seek advice from people. People will share stories of inspiration and hope. These stories come in handy to remind you that if they were able to make it, then there’s no reason for you not to achieve the same thing. It’s just a matter of persevering and pushing yourself to manifest what you really desire. Whenever you see yourself losing steam, seek counsel from the old to keep you back on track. Use those stories or wisdom as fuel to recharge yourself. The more advice you get (that you can apply), the more you can adapt to the changing situations in your life. The universe grants the dreams of a man who aligns himself to what he pursues. Even the best of us still seek wisdom from somebody, regardless of age. Who are we to say that we’ve already figured out everything in life?

If you think about it, what were the things that well-established individuals went through in order for them to get to where they are right now, especially those who are really at the top 0.1%? Just to remind you and I’ve heard this countless of times, the higher you climb, the further the bottom gets, meaning, when you are at the top and you fail, it's going to hurt more compared to somebody who’s falling from a much lower point. I bet they went through soul-crushing situations that most can’t even imagine. For example, Steve Jobs got ousted from the company that he founded, isn’t that a blow to someone’s pride? Even if you have billions, experiencing something like that takes away a part of you that’s hard to recover from. But put this into perspective, Steve Jobs reclaimed his CEO status and introduced the world to some of the most useful inventions in technology. Without him, we would still be using Nokia, nothing wrong with that, it just sets us back.

The more you work hard for something, that sweeter the victory feels like once you get to where you want to be. I’m sure that Steve felt something transcendent when the world embraced the iPhone. It is the most sought after phone of our age and now, people can’t seem to imagine how life without it would be. It has made our lives easier. Steve gave the world a gift that will forever be part of our core existence, that is, staying connected wherever you go through the iPhone. When you are at the level where you don’t have to worry about your daily expenses anymore, it becomes your mission to give back to the community. Steve’s iPhone, whether you look at it from the perspective of for profit or not, is an example of how one leaves a legacy to society. Countless lives have become better because of him. As a matter of fact, aside from what he’s known for, Steve has done numerous philanthropic endeavors that were not publicized. But why do you always hear wealthy people do charity, or start teaching and share what they have and know?

We Have To Give Back To The Community, Just Like Them

In my previous blog, I’ve mentioned a very influential chef who does what he can to give back to the community. Jose Andres is the founder of World Central Kitchen, a non-profit organization that is dedicated to feeding people who experience humanitarian crises. Upon writing this article, I found out that a missile destroyed a charity kitchen that he’s been utilizing to distribute food for the refugees of the Ukraine-Russia War. I’m pretty sure that this will not stop him to continue on what he is doing. Once Jose’s time is up, I can guarantee that his children will follow their father’s footsteps by doing some sort philanthropic work as well because they are experiencing it first-hand through their father. They may or may not be do it as extreme as Jose, but the cycle will continue on.

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs states that in order for one to achieve self-actualization, one must desire to become the most that one can be. Jose Andres probably sees his wealth and existence meaningless until he helps people who are in need. To him, that’s where he sees the most value in life. His calling is to help people in order for him to achieve self-actualization, to be a complete being.

I remember a successful friend of my father sponsor medical missions in the Philippines. These medical missions are public events wherein the company (owned by my father’s friend) would rent out a public space, typically a covered- outdoor basketball court and conduct medical assistance such as free eye exams, dental check up and general check up to name a few. All the services are given to the public for free. My family used to volunteer and I would see the influx of people who come and participate. Of course, I didn’t understand what we were doing back then, but when I got older, my mother explained it to me, it was such a wonderful feeling to help out without asking anything in return. This is the reason why my father’s friend is blessed with what he has.

Another story that I want to share is my sister’s uncle-in-law. This man is a very successful businessman who is into the toothpaste and packing business. He hires people who are deaf and mute. When asked why he hires handicapped people, his response was “Because they are good workers, you give these people a chance in life. Also, it’s nice to walk into the factory every morning quiet and peaceful.” He was a guest at our high school annual business speech long before my sister married into their family. This guy had the best humor and was down-to-earth. What an amazing character.

I assume, in a scientific perspective, that this is how our species have successfully evolved through time-by the transfer of wisdom, knowledge, practices and wealth to the next generation. Hence, the transfer of knowledge alone is what separates us from other living creature in this world. We pass on what we know to the next in line to continue the cycle and improve on things. In addition, we hold on to certain “invisible” practices that we believe are beneficial for the society and pass it on to the people who believe in us in the hopes that they would also do the same. Just like Jose, my father’s friend and my sister’s uncle-in-law, they all believe that doing charity work is an intangible thing that speaks more than material things.

Without these figures, we would not know how to become complete and self-actualized beings. As adults, we need to have role models in our lives to see whether we are doing something the right way. Think of our old friends as teachers. This might be the reason why you hear a lot of famous individuals commit suicide, because they can’t find a cause to their life. They become famous and generate tremendous wealth in a very short amount of time without any mentor. They keep their wealth and time to themselves and not share it to the ones who are in need. They spend what they have on drugs, sex and money and other worldly things, once the “high” is done, they feel rock-bottom. On the other hand, you rarely see or hear a successful businessman commit suicide, because chances are that these people do something valuable with their time and money away from the spotlight.

Let’s learn from our old, wise and successful friends on how to give back to the community and we may find ourselves living a fulfilling life. It doesn’t matter the magnitude of what you do for as long as you are doing something to benefit the society. People will remember what good you’ve done and how many countless lives you have made better. I think that’s better than being remembered for how many cars, mansions and jewelry you carry.

In summary

If you look at history, we always improve on things by looking back. We learn from what was and create a path for ourselves by the guidelines of the past. Our older and wiser friends are the people who will help us improve on ourselves. By avoiding their mistakes in the past, we put ourselves ahead of the competition. AND, by committing their past mistakes, we enable ourselves to improve on things. Just remember that we can seek their counsel and remind us that time is on our side. We can make things right and become one of them as long as we turn their stories into inspiration and persevere. By the time it’s our turn to share, let’s make sure that we do it the same as them. or better.