When You Marry A Chef
“When you marry a chef, you marry into a restaurant.” -Unknown
You’ve probably heard this saying somewhere. Well, it is true as the sun rises from the east and sets to the west. Just like anything in this world, marrying a REAL chef has its perks and disadvantages. Now, what I mean by a REAL chef is somebody who embodies a love language of serving others. This the most important aspect of this conversation. If your man or woman shows their love towards you through their actions or acts of service, then you’ve probably caught a very tasty catch.
There are chefs who just work their profession for the sake of having a job. When they are out of the kitchen, they do not embody any act of serving people. I’m not referring to these people for the sake of this article. Take note, by acts of serving others, I’m not specifically talking about cooking, it can be that your spouse will do your laundry on your behalf, fold your clothes, clean the dishes, mow the lawn or clean the house-any act of service that shows that you care for somebody, even in the smallest of things. I speak for these people since I can’t seem to stop showing the people who are important and close to me how I love serving them. There are times that it seems challenging for me because mind you, there are five different types of love languages. Your partner might not understand why you’re doing what you’re doing because they have a different way of showing their admiration to you. Identifying them will help you know who you are as a person and who your partner is. Here they are:
1) Someone who always seeks and shows words of affirmation
2) Someone who wants to spend quality time with their partner
3) Someone who serves others
4) Someone who wants to give and receive gifts/presents
5) Someone who seeks and gives physical touch
I will not tackle each love language stated above, it is your job to do your own research and understand how you can incorporate these points into your relationship. I will be mainly focusing on the love language of serving others because to me, it is the most powerful and at the same time, the most selfless love language. Out of all the love languages, the person who loves serving others normally do not ask anything in return, have you noticed?
People who always give words of affirmation also want to receive and hear words of affirmation.
The person who wants to spend on gifts also want to receive presents in return.
The one who gives physical touch also wants to feel the same thing.
And lastly, the person who wants to spend quality time with another require their partner(s) to also give their 100% when they are with that person requiring it.
Quite honestly, and it may be different from the rest, I seldom or rarely want to be served by others. To take things light-heartedly, I’m a giver, not a receiver. My mother has a love language of giving words of affirmation and serving others, but she never asked us anything in return. She just wants a grandchild from me. Nothing of a big deal. That’s why I love my mom.
WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU’RE NOT EXPECTING
Going back to the main point, you may think that marrying a chef is a grand idea. Thoughts like, Well, I’ll eat well every single day of my life or maybe, I’ll be the envy of my friends since I have a rockstar partner who looks sexy in a white chef jacket, will hit you instantly without knowing the consequences. While all of these have some truth to it, you may be startled by how difficult it is to accept all the disadvantages, especially when you are a newly-wed.
I didn’t expect it… point 1: The working hours
Your partner will spend a minimum of 50 hours at work, some chefs go up to 90 hours a week. And it doesn’t help that there’s no work-from-home option for chefs. So, if you are somebody who constantly seeks physical affection and quality time, how can you cope up with his or her working schedule? Your spouse will miss out on very important occasions and holidays that you could have spent time together. That’s why I believe that it is so unfair for chefs to have a family or build one because of this very time-consuming career. Not unless, if you’ve been with your partner for a long time, then you might have already accepted the fact that he or she will be spending most of his time at the restaurant rather than be with you at home.
I didn’t expect it… point 2: We speak very minimal, and we daydream a lot
After a long 10–12-hour shift, we may come home and just say that we are exhausted. What if we don’t notice your new haircut, your wonderful dress or your glowing skin because we had a long day next to the ticket machine and would just rather take a shower and sleep? How will that make you feel? You may be desperate even for the tiniest words of appreciation to come out of us, but you won’t get any. And when we are with you, our heads might be somewhere thinking of the next best thing or how to solve a very critical issue at work. It happens and it happens often, especially to those who really aspire to make a mark in the industry.
I didn’t expect it… point 3: Unexpected on-call days
Remember we planned to spend Sunday night to watch a movie? Maybe I promised you that we would go to that concert that you’ve been waiting for months, tonight. Well, guest what, somebody called out or quit and I have to report to work.
What else is there to say? You feel abandoned and alone, hugging yourself at the corner of the room while still holding the tickets in your hands. Especially for managerial chefs, we are the last line of defense. When our cooks call out or had to call out because of a hangover or something very serious, we are required to take over and sacrifice our free time. I’ve been through this a couple of times, and it has been really tough for me to tell my spouse that I have to go and work. It’s like giving a kid hope that you would take them to Toys R Us and bail out on them after.
I didn’t expect it… point 4: The pay is low, until the we get to climb the ladder
Culinary is one of those professions where compensation is mediocre. Not unless you become a corporate chef, a director of culinary or a managing partner, then your endeavors will be a labor of sacrifice. Even if you are at the top of the food chain, a chef’s compensation is still inferior compared to other professions such as a lawyer, a banker or a doctor. These professions can rake up to three times or four times the amount that a chef can make in a year. Hence, I’ve read that bankers can make two or three times their annual salary as bonus, and we’re already talking about six to seven figures as a starting salary. Not unless if you are a business owner, then you would be working for a meager salary that’s considered as mid-range income in the grand scheme of things.
So what if your spouse is working as a line cook, making hourly and have to support one, two or three kids at the same time? It’s going to be highly impossible for him or her to support the family. If you are not up for this challenge, then think again.
I didn’t expect it… point 5: Chefs are highly emotional individuals
I want to clarify that NOT ALL chefs are emotional. If you are a chef, especially somebody who aspires to make an impact in the industry and who is goal-driven, chances are that because of your profession, you are emotional. Since we put a lot of passion behind our line of work, we can easily get sensitive. We aim for perfection, but perfection is very subjective. How many chef movies out there have you seen where they depict the main character as a short-tempered demon who easily gets annoyed because of somebody’s stupidity or if somebody criticizes what they make? There’s truth to how movies represent chefs (well, some are way too exaggerated, FYI). I have worked with somebody who got upset because people said that his pizza was inferior compared to someone who works under him. He started to point out that he was using over-proofed dough from two days ago and other things. Hahaha! I tell you, chefs can get easily disheartened. What’s more, is that when somebody criticizes your creation like he or she was a judge for the Bocuse D’or Competition without even having any real kitchen experience, how would you feel about that? It’s going to damage your pride, I would lose myself and just storm out of the kitchen like an episode of kitchen nightmares.
In marriage, it doesn’t help a chef to have a spouse who is also emotional. A chef’s spouse must be understanding or else, it’s going to be a recipe for disaster. I’ve heard a story where one of my line cook’s girlfriend waits outside of the restaurant just to make sure that he’s not cheating on her. Whenever he comes out to talk to her, they argue like there’s no tomorrow. When this guy comes back from his conversation, he’s already high on marijuana just to cope with all the stress and you can see his performance decline.
Another story I have is when I hired a very promising line cook. He had the skills and works well, but then he would disappear for thirty minutes all the time. We found out that he locks himself in the toilet and lights a roll. He comes out with his eyes all red and unable to comprehend or process things. When we caught him, we sat him down and he pointed out that he’s been having issues with the wife, that things are not going well. What a sad story to hear, still, they don’t have any excuse to bring whatever problems they have to work. But, you can clearly see that whatever happens in a relationship can cause serious problems in every aspect of a person’s life.
THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL
If you can endure these issues or work your way around it, then you might have a chance to see the wonderful side of marrying a chef. Like every process, it takes time to find the beauty of it. And once you’re able to see clearly, then things turn for the better.
REAL CHEFS will make sure that you will eat well
Depending on your spouse, eating well will mean different things. It’s either you will eat healthy or you’ll eat with a lot of soul and satisfaction, or you can have both. Whatever your diet or routine is, you will feel satisfied with every cooking endeavor. What else is better than coming home, knowing that your spouse had already cooked dinner? The table is already set and you just need to sit down and rant about what happened today at work. Until now, my wife would sometimes ask me “What did I do to deserve someone who’s so talented as you?” after she devours a mound of rice and one her most favorite dishes that I make for her, which is a dish called crispy beef, while her belly is out and (as she) starts rubbing her belly button in front of me after a good dinner. Just kidding, she doesn’t do that.
You get access to exclusive stuff and enjoy it like a king or queen
In addition to eating well, by having a chef spouse,you get to have what other commoners cannot. Chefs build direct relationships with purveyors who supply for the restaurant. These mutually beneficial relationships can last a lifetime, in return, these suppliers help us from time to time with special requests. For example, for my private dinners, you always see me post pictures of caviar or truffles that I get from my connections. I get to order black and white truffles and other truffle products from Tartufo Prestige here in south Florida. The guy who takes care of me is a young-looking man (probably in his 20’s) with the name Simon. Aside from talking business, we also talk about life and other things. I get my quality seafood from Patagonian Sea Products, my good friend Martin takes care of me from time to time. By having connections like this, I ensure that I can give my clients a wonderful experience.
You get dining perks and hook ups with industry connections
Yes, sometimes we do eat for free. Imagine having a whole meal for free? If not, how about doing a 21- course tasting menu and only pay for a quarter of the price? Or maybe, receive complimentary drinks or extra food items delivered at your table? There are tons of perks especially to the chef who have a lot of connections. This is how we take care of our colleagues in the industry. If you are ready to live this life, then hold on tight!
You’ll live a life full of travel and exploration
The higher your chef spouse climbs up the ladder, the more rewarding life can be. What is better than visiting a winery over at the Bordeaux region of France or in the Sonoma Country of California? What is better than opening a wheel of aged Parmesan cheese and trying out a piece in Italy? What is better than having the best delicacy of your life that can only be found in that particular area of the planet? It really helps a group of people traveling to a different country to have a chef next to them at all times. It makes their lives easier and tastier since the chef can help out with the ordering when you dine out.
Quite honestly, my life has just been all about traveling, learning a new culture, drinking good wine, enjoying meals with friends and sniffing bread. I live to have this wonderful life and my wife and friends support the same endeavor. Buying things that are not essential to my day-to-day living is at the very bottom of my list of priorities. A chef’s vanity would be his/her knives, the restaurants that he/she goes to pay a visit and his/her cool cooking toys, that’s it.
You get to learn how to appreciate what spending quality time is all about
Lastly, when you marry a chef, this is when you start to realize how to REALLY enjoy quality time with each other because you know that it’s limited and won’t last long. What I’m getting at is, you get to cherish your time with them. You make an effort to really make everything meaningful and not let it be an ordinary day. You start to go the extra mile for your busy spouse.
When you marry a chef
When you marry a chef, expect everything to be tough until the both you find how to coexist with each other. Like they say, it takes two to tango. Eventually, you will find your bearings and synchronize your “dance steps” and become as one. Now, the only question is whether the both of you will be able to hold on tight and endure all the hardships or let go at some point. Because once your chef spouse reaches the pinnacle of his/her career, things will become different. You cannot beat the joy and happiness that an honest work can provide- regardless of the scale.
People who serve other people are sometimes the happiest individuals alive. They give off a very caring energy that are incomparable to other acts of love. If you start questioning whether your chef spouse loves you or not, well, a bulging waistline and a happy and satisfied heart will be good signs to know that he/she is doing something right.